AQUARIUS! 
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes 
to the back of a speeding bus 
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A- 
Mole 17 hours a day 

PISCES! 
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus 
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what 
those idiots at work say 

ARIES! 
The look on your face will be priceless when you find 
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon 
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a 
hickey to Meryl Streep 

TAURUS! 
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna 
do, cry about it? 
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch 
of stuff and then go back to sleep 

That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 

GEMINI! 
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your 
explosive flatulence 
Your love life will run into trouble your fiance 
hurls a javelin through your chest 

CANCER! 
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the 
rest of the week face down in the mud 
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while 
taking your driver's test 

LEO! 
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and 
staple it to your boss's face, oh no 
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it 
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik 

VIRGO! 
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - 
except for you 
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with 
your head impaled upon a stick 

That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least 
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets 
and the stars could have a special deep significance or 
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let 
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and 
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented 
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of 
moron not to realize that every single one of them is 
absolutely true. 

Where was I? 

LIBRA! 
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone 
much more talented than you 
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that 
when your appendix bursts next week 

SCORPIO! 
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall 
screaming from an open window 
Work a little bit harder on improving your 
low self esteem, you stupid freak 

SAGITTARIUS! 
All your friends are laughing behind your back... 
kill them 
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine 
you've got hanging in your den 

CAPRICORN! 
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful 
person... but you know they're lying 
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never 
never never never never leave my house again 

That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today 
That's your horoscope for today